


The Art of Letting You Go

by mamorin



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Aromantic!Sousuke, Break Up, Established Relationship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Sousuke has trouble dealing with his own feelings for Makoto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 07:38:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7213573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamorin/pseuds/mamorin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or, three times Sousuke didn't realize he could have loved Makoto better,<br/>and the one time he actually did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Art of Letting You Go

1.

"Do you really have to go home, Sousuke?" Makoto asked, between one and another of the kisses he was currently covering the other man's face in. He pouted, before pressing the umpteenth kiss to his jaw.

"Hm no, not really," Sousuke replied with false nonchalance, closing his eyes and tilting his head to give Makoto better access to his neck. Humming quietly, he tightened his hold around the other's waist, hugging him closer as he reacted with a small gasp of pleased surprise. Cuddled up against him that way on the sofa, leaving trails of butterfly kisses on his skin and almost purring, Makoto looked just like a big, cute cat in Sousuke's eyes. "You're so cute, how can you even be like this?," the teal-eyed man deadpanned.

"I guess I'm just much inspired," the other replied with a soft giggle, his ears turning bright pink. " _You_ inspire me to be." Makoto planted a kiss on Sousuke's temple while caressing his cheek, before wrapping his arms around his lover's neck and burying his face against him.

"Seems legit," Sousuke quietly stated, sneaking his hands under Makoto's shirt, up and down his bare spine tracing the fine lines of his sculpted back. Then, he reached a bit to the side to kiss the other on his lips with a soft smile, but Makoto sighed.

"You know I love you, Sousuke," he whispered, trying to masquerade the sheer sadness in his words but no avail. "And I know that hearing this makes you feel uneasy, but there's a limit to which I can hide my feelings."

Sousuke froze, his cold hands lightly grabbing Makoto's hips. He was right, only hearing the other speak about feelings made his brain go numb, his muscles tense and his heart tighten. He didn't even know why, he didn't think he was _afraid_ of loving Makoto – he really did like him, really didn't want to hurt him, and surely he intended to be faithful to him – but something about saying it out loud put him on alert and made him feel like running away.

"I love you, I do. I do, and I will," Makoto's voice cracked up, and part of Sousuke wanted to stop those tears from falling, wanted to reassure him saying he felt the same. But he didn't. His gaze was indecipherable, his jaw firm and stoic, his arms steady as he just held Makoto close without a word, cradling his shaking body like a child, drowning in guilt but unable to do anything about it.

 

 

2.

Sousuke rolled away just an inch, lightly panting, before turning his head to look at the beautiful mess laying there next to him. Makoto's breath was labored, his lips swollen and his hair all tangled, but he still was perfect to Sousuke's eyes, it almost seemed unreal.

"You're gorgeous, Makoto," Sousuke let out, reaching out to grab Makoto's hand in his, "I adore you." He pressed a soft kiss on his knuckles, but the latter tensed up.

"Don't say it like that," the green-eyed boy whispered, lowering his eyes on their intertwined fingers. Frowning, Sousuke shifted closer and brought his free hand up under Makoto's chin, to raise and meet his gaze. "What do you mean? Did I hurt you?" he asked, a little concerned.

"Don't... say it like that," Makoto repeated, "...like you mean it. I know you don't." Sighing softly, before Sousuke could reply he added up, "It's already hard enough, don't make it worse. Please."

Sousuke's heart shattered to pieces at those words, at the other's voice drenched in sadness, at his empty eyes looking at him like he was the most beautiful but hurtful thing in the world. The teal-eyed man wanted to say something, wanted to deny so bad, saying that he did adore him, that he _loved_ him. But did he? Making it worse by lying to Makoto was the last thing he wanted, hurting him was never in his intentions, but apparently he had managed to do that anyways and now he didn't know how to make things up again. Sousuke bit his lips out of frustration.

"I'm sorry," he breathed out, letting his free hand clumsily fall down again by his side. "Yeah, me too," Makoto murmured back, turning his head to look at the ceiling and staring at the fan spinning slowly above the bed. "And I'm not hurt. I'm fine – well, my body is," he spoke, his voice shaky.

"Believe me, I do think you're gorgeous though, and lovely. I'm sorry, I just felt like letting you know," the other kept saying, uneasy, but unable to get his feelings straight. "I know," the green-eyed man replied, and fighting his urge to kiss Sousuke again and to just curl up in his arms as if nothing happened, he turned his back to him instead and forced himself to doze off to sleep, leaving the teal-eyed man to deal alone with his own emotions.

Sousuke didn't love Makoto, at least, he didn't think so. It had been months, but he was still hoping one day it could happen. One day, he would've woken up feeling something strong enough to have him confidently say it was love. But that day had not come yet.

 

 

3.

_"When will you forgive me, Makoto..."_

It had been one year and a little more already, but things had never changed. They had been swimming together, sleeping together, traveling together, as always, all over again, but those three words Makoto was desperate for still had never come out of Sousuke's mouth. In the meantime though, the first almost seemed to even have forgotten about that missing piece. Until that day.

_"It's five days... that I can't hug you like I do... that I can't hear your voice singing me to sleep... that I can't see your pretty eyes... I'm sorry. I miss you. I need you. Please, forgive me, and call me back. Come back."_

To come back, Sousuke asked him. And he did.  
After a week of silence, after fighting for one reason or another none of them could even recall, Makoto called him back, and then came home to him. It wasn't even the first time. Lately, it had been quite usual that one of them would disappear for a while after their silly arguments, but it had never lasted longer than one day or two.

So when on a rainy night he opened his apartment door to find a soaked Makoto with a stained suitcase, his worn-out face full of tears, Sousuke wasted no time before falling at his feet, begging him to stay. _Never leave like that anymore_ , he said. _Nor do you_ , the other replied.

They hugged all night, whispering in each other's ear sweet nothings until dawn, staring into one another's eyes to no end, again and again. _I love you, I love you, I love you_ , Makoto kept telling him. That time again, Sousuke could have said it out loud too, but he didn't. _Not yet._

 

 

4.

"Sousuke, we need to talk," Makoto told him one night, months later, as they were quietly spooning. The teal-eyed man's hand on the other's waist froze still, his whole body tensed up, a bundle of nerves. Gulping down, they remained silent for a split minute, both bracing themselves for what was going to happen in a matter of seconds.

"I... I really don't think I can do this anymore," the green-eyed man slowly stated in a soft tone, his throat sore and his eyes already watering.

To be awfully honest, Sousuke had it coming. He had been waiting for that moment for a while actually, always in a state of veiled anxiety. They have always been seeing each other as always, and always stayed the night, that wasn't the problem. He knew that it was only his own fault, that his silences had started to tear Makoto apart night by night, that those damned three words he couldn't say had always been hanging over his head like a fucking sword of Damocles threatening to fall. But not even all his mental preparation could've spared him that devastating feeling of emptiness, that second of utter desperation and self-consciousness that numbed his senses. He stayed still, quiet, waiting for further trouble.

"It's not your fault, a-alright?," and at that, Sousuke would've rolled his eyes if they hadn't been glistening with tears, "It's not. Y-You do understand, I hope. I'm not tired of you, oh god, I could never get tired of you. You're awesome, and it certainly isn't your fault i-if you don't... love me- "

Makoto's voice cracked up, and Sousuke heard him sniffing up. He then realized his own hand was still awkwardly laying on the other man's hip, but he could not figure out whether if it was more cruel and even self-harming to pretend he didn't noticed and leave it there or to pull away. _Fuck it,_ he decided.

"But the fact that you still don't is breaking my heart more and more, and I'm always left wondering... why? Why am I not worthy? Why am I not enough to have you falling for me? I love you so much, too much for my own good. I'm not one to seek for my own good, and you know, but this whole thing is tearing me apart," Makoto breathed out, wiping away his tears with his fingers.

Then, he turned around to finally face Sousuke, and a shaky whimper left his lips when he realized that the other one, the stoic and strong man he had come to love, was shedding silent tears as well. Their eyes met, but Makoto was too shy and ashamed in that moment to hold the other's gaze - he had also carefully and bravely avoided to mention Sousuke's hand still lingering on his waist, and now he was feeling even worse about that, so cunning, so selfish... maybe that was _why_.

Fixing his gaze on some random point between Sousuke's collarbones, Makoto began fumbling with his own fingers as he began again and said, "I-I'm asking you one more time, and if your answer is still no, I'm sorry, I'll have to leave. You know, to clear my thoughts a-and stuff. So."  
Makoto's eyes flew up to meet Sousuke's gaze as he asked, "Do you love me, or not?"

Sousuke could've lied. He could've said he did, could've told Makoto he had loved him since the very start, to make him stay. Not to had to let him go, Sousuke could've lied in a thousand different ways, and everything would've ended up just fine. But he could not bear the thought of hurting Makoto again, not like this, not anymore, so he didn't. "I'm sorry," was all he said, the saddest smile cracking tired on his lips, giving the last quick peck to the other man's forehead as the latter started sobbing again. "It's not you, Makoto. You're perfect. I'm sorry."

And so, Makoto left. The morning after, Sousuke woke up alone in a house stripped of all its brightness and joy, on a pillow that still smelt like _him_ , to a single sticky note on his kitchen table only saying, _I'm sorry._ Biting his lips to stop his tears from falling again, bringing a hand to pull on his hair miserably, Sousuke did realize what he had just lost, that bright smile that he would've never seen again shining in his mind, all the little things Makoto always did and said, the way he was always caring and there for him no matter what. And if it's true that you only understand what you had when you let it go, in that moment Sousuke had to be for sure the most sorry of them both.

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: that's how i knew i was in love
> 
> and here's what i do on tuesday nights instead of sleeping, also known as "it's hard when your beta hates the ship you're writing about but reads this anyway at 2am," a never ending novel by me. whoops.  
> angst is good for your soul sometimes, c'mon. *pat pat*
> 
> thanks for reading c:


End file.
